Potential

I’ve been, wasting potential 

Wasting potential, boiling lentils 

Trying to eat vegan off of food stamps.

I’m trying to reverse this generational trauma,

While still handling my own personal drama 

yet,

Time seems to be working against me.

I’m surrounded by broken fences.

I thought that being more defensive would help me work on my offensive strategies.

But then 2 steps up became 10 steps back and now, 

I feel like I’m just wasting my time.

This cyclical trap has my mental wrapped up into thinking that, I’m a victim of some sort of tragedy. 

Now I’m a paranoid insomniac and my mind is the only thing that I’m battling

With a history of self harm, it’s become harder to predict my future.

I come from a place where people are found dead way more often than happy. 

So… I guess it’s safe to say that, challenges are what I’m used to. 

I pray that the blessings would find their way to me as often as the stress does.

I wish that toxic masculinity would escape the orbit on a one way trip.

I wish that rape culture would find itself on the top of the tallest mountain and – just so happen to trip

I wish the government wasn’t always watching. 

I wish that genocide was a myth.

I hope that my mother can find some peace of mind well before she finds her way to paradise. 

I often wonder, if my God, has begun silencing my calls

Which is to say that, maybe my eyes are green.

Or… or maybe I’m blind.

Either way, I think – I deserve more

But I’m too humble to complain.

I’m too patient to feel entitled to anything that isn’t already written, into my future.

I’m far too faithful to disbelieve but… is it wrong to question?

Like, is it wrong to wonder why it’s taking so long?

Is it a sin even if I’m just simply sitting here singing along to a song about wanting to be happy again?

Am I still drugging myself if it’s prescription?

Am I still considered hyperactive even if the only thing that’s moving faster is my mind? 

Am I slow if I can no longer catch up to myself?

Who is to blame when my deficiency persuades my attention to leave my happiness behind?

You see – I’ve been wasting so much potential.

And if I would only stop trying to figure myself out –

Maybe I’d have enough time to actually live up to it.

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